Someone Called My Newsletter Filth. She Had a Point.

A reader emailed to say I was sending her filth. She had signed up herself. This is my answer.

I get all kinds of emails from readers, I enjoy getting them. But one arrived recently that gave me pause. A reader wanted to know why I was sending her "this filth" in her inbox. (She signed up, I checked.)

I didn't write back to argue, but I did sit with the question for a bit. Then I started writing this post because once I have the answer to a big question, I have to go share it with someone. My husband will tell you it's classic me.

When a culture labels one of the most fundamental human drives as shameful and tells people to hide it, who benefits? The answer isn't comfortable:

Institutions built on moral authority benefit when desire is shameful, because they define the rules and grant forgiveness. Political systems that depend on social regulation benefit too: Victorian sexual morality, Puritan beliefs in North America, policies designed around birth rates and heteronormative family structures. Patriarchal systems control reproduction because women's sexuality is central to property and inheritance. And in modern culture, entire economies have been built around sexual shame and insecurity.

Just something to noodle on...

A squirrel, looking for a nut (on chasing bliss)

There's a reason orgasm has been called la petite mort, the little death. For a moment, I stop being myself. The version of me that manages everything and holds everything together goes quiet. And I experience bliss.

We spend our whole lives chasing that bliss. And yet there is so much self-shame attached to how we might get there. We call it kink as if it's shameful. We quietly and sheepishly read stories exploring it (shhh). The term "kink" carries so much of our collective baggage.

Look kink, at its least threatening, is just fantasy with a name. It's where the hidden parts of us can exist without shame. We can be whomever, enjoy whatever, be loved however.

Sounds harmless, doesn't it?

It gets better. Fantasy isn't just escape. It's also a container, a place to enact what we carry and can't put down anywhere else. Do you lead a respectable, predictable life and crave the relief of letting go of control, just for an hour? Do you get there quicker with words? Are you always in your head, and the hard impact of skin on skin is the only thing that brings you back into your body?

Or, maybe control over your body hasn't always been yours, but here in this container - you are the author, you decide what happens, when it stops, who holds the power.

Reclaiming your desires is an act of rebellion

I made a list of fantasies for you. Put your burdens down, read through to see what lands. Reclaiming your desires is a radical act. Let's do it anyway. 🤗

Read through, check what lands. You don't have to name it. I'll do it for you.